Teach me and I remember.
Involve me and I learn.”
When I was 44 years old, my mother died suddenly and I felt like an orphan because my father had died when I was 30. Shortly following mom’s death, my husband of 21 years … (best friend for 33 years) … said that he didn’t love me … wasn’t sure he ever had, and left. I found myself living completely alone (except for my Keeshond-Terrier mix fur-friend) for the first time in my life. Heart-broken and bereft, I questioned everything … tearfully pouring out my fears, longings, and desperate feelings on the pages of my journals … trying to make sense of it all and find my footing again … realizing more people I knew and loved were dead than alive … wondering why I was here alone instead of with them.
One day in the midst of my laments, my non-dominant hand picked up the pencil and wrote, “Are you finished?” Thus began what became a lengthy dialogue with Spirit that continues to this day. My right hand asks questions … the left answers. Imagine my surprise when I encountered Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch and realized I wasn’t the only one having such internal interactions with the Divine!
One of my most vivid memories of this period of journaling is of the day my left hand wrote, “Don’t you know that I love you just as you are?” … because I didn’t. My left hand wouldn’t surrender the pencil to my right. It just kept writing the words ‘just as you are’ over and over and over and over again … filling page after page in that child-like scrawl in cursive while tears poured out of me and sobs left me gasping for breath. All I could think was “Really?” as the words kept appearing before my eyes. Eventually gratitude pulsed through every cell of my body … pushing aside the doubt and disbelief born of years of feeling not quite good enough no matter what I did even when I succeeded. Typing these words just now brings tears of joy in remembrance of that life-altering experience and grace-filled gratitude floods my being.
and so are you!